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What do we want God to be?

November 6, 2008

We all settle for a god of some sort. For years, my god was what my mother had passed on to me – her god. My father’s god was his work. What is god, really?

I think we all have a god – for some it is as concrete as a stone and for some it is as invisible as air. I started with a stone – and ended up at a person. More on that a little later. But the question remains – What do we want god to be?

Growing up, I adopted my mother’s god and everything that came with it. When in school, I hardly had time to be involved with god in any fashion – sometimes weekend was the time for god. In short, god existed but was not something I gave time to and pondered upon. Years later, when going through college and struggling through various challenges, god became somewhat nearer – started giving slightly more time – but still it was a small fraction of my day to day life. When I started working, older god was soon displaced – work took that place. I was a workaholic – having recently graduated and recruited by a top software firm, I was devoted to work. I did not take even the weekends off . Once in a while I would remember my old god, visit the temple – may be think about god at nights, but just once in a while. This god was not demanding anything from me. I was having my way.

Then one day – relationship with a loved one was what I desired most. Someone who will understand me, will listen to me, will know who I am – and accept me that way. Years went by in search of such a person. Finally, I found her – but for the years when she was not there – the search became god for me.

When making money – and restoring financial peace in our family, I was constantly occupied with money matters. All I thought was money – and how to work hard and get rid of the financial burdens. I was not greedy – but was working hard to earn money and settle the issues. In those days, money became my god.

I had longed for a happy family – where everyone loved everyone. Instead, I had seen the worst – hatred, bitterness,  unforgiveness. There was love, no doubt, but was never noticeable. Circumstances and challenges of life always overshadowed love. Desire for love became my god in those years.

In between was the phase of denial – including the concept of god. I forgot love, forgot relationships and forgot even myself. No existence of god was necessary. The fact that there is no god – became god to me.

We go through life – knowingly or unknowgly – having different gods. Sometimes they are a source of encouragement sometimes a target of our frustration, sometimes rationalization of our common sense, and sometimes much more complicated, like intelligence.

The question was not answered on the night I found Jesus Christ. It’s been answered over past 8 years – after learning to walk with Him on a journey.

As I am learning about God in the person of Jesus Christ – discovering Him, it is becoming clear that God is not something I want to worship or adore or devote my life to. God is. And I have to come to terms with it.

Jesus Christ wanted to be my God. That is why he covered me with His blood – even before I was born.

And once I decided to follow, He started to unfold the mystery of God, in Him. He made it clear that I cannot have life outside of Him. It started becoming clear that I cannot experience God – I have to become one with Him. I have to know Him, as I am known to Him. And this was the most shocking revelation – He wants to Live through Me! The purpose of His resurrection became clear.

This meant, everything that was god to me needed to be crucified. I needed to vacate the rooms of my heart, so the Master of this  universe could live in them. I had to clean them thoroughly. I had to wash them. I had to make sure the place is perfect for Him. But I was incapable of doing so – a realization that followed after many attempts, even after believing in Him. For years, I struggled to stay clean – so God could live through me. And He kept telling me – you are not there yet. What?

Slowly He was revealing to me that I cannot become instantly clean for Him to live in – even though His blood was applied to me. Many aspects of my being needed to be crucified with Him.  I will have to face every ounce of me – He will bring it to my face. And finally, he will give me the power to face my self. And as I understand who I am – He will provide the courage needed to accept myself. The one god I had not faced was the god of self. And he gave me the courage to see that god – and have that crucified with Him. That day was the day of the beginning of His cleansing work.

How many of us have faced ourselves – and have come out clean? Have we seen the god of self?

In many ways, Jesus has been preparing me over the years. The day I received Him in my life and accepted his sacrifice was the day of the beginning of His revelation – and mine. He needed me to come to terms with myself – so  I could see Him better. I jumped on faith in Him – and He has been faithful while helping me see myself – a man of unclean thoughts, unclean desires, and unclean actions. Over the years he has worked on each area.  It has been and will be painful, no doubt.  But the hope of the day when He can say – “Yes, You are ready now my beloved Son” – keeps me going.

I am continually being saved. And it took me a while to grasp that. And it all started when I realized this – It is not what I want God to be. God is.

Just wait for His revelation. And when you see Him, humble yourself and He will be more than happy to start working on you.

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